Lately our homeschool life has been quite the roller coaster ride. Our lives got out of sync when my husband was injured while engaging in his favorite hobby - basketball. Of course, we're not spring chickens and this isn't the first time this has happened. We've lived through dad's broken finger (surgically reconstructed), his torn Achilles' tendon (surgically reattached), and several hurt knees and sore backs. But, back in those days we had a dual income family and I wasn't particularly worried about cash because we lived beneath our means anyway. His time off and the cost of the surgeries was absorbed and we just managed with only a little inconvenience to boot.
Fast forward to now, when we're primarily a one earner family, and this injury turned our world upside down. Well, I'll back up to the beginning. One especially fateful day my husband decided to stop on his way home from a meeting to play a game of b-ball. Only, if you know my husband you realize that this is not the typical hoops game for the average cardio workout, exercise for the stay active adult. My husband approaches basketball with the passion of Picasso at a canvas and the precision of a knife thrower. He plays as if he were a Shaq/Jordan/ Lebron hybrid and interestingly enough, everyone watching the show eggs this behavior on. He blocks and defends and weaves and hits almost every shot while his unlikely fans gather around to ooh and aah. The man challenges three and four people, complete strangers, at one time just for the practice. He "works out" by making it his own personal goal to beat his opponents by wide margins, even if there are several to his one. He would be a Youtube sensation if he were ever so enterprising as to have himself videoed and then put on display. He spends so much time on the court he's invented new defense moves and people actually imitate him and win. It's uncanny really. He loves the game dearly but his venture out on this day would prove to be a life-changing one. He hurt himself pretty bad, to the point that he could hardly walk. He hobbled around and took the weekend off work until he started feeling somewhat better.
At the same time, my daughter and I had a previously scheduled weekend getaway with my mom to attend a wedding in Washington, D.C. I felt bad leaving him here in that condition with the boys, but I thought he'd take a couple days off and recharge and all would be well once we returned. And sure enough, after a few days he got a slight spring in his step. You'd think he would take it easy at this point and stay off the court until he was 100%, but with the break he had taken looming over him he was determined to get out there and prove himself again. That would spell doom. He came down from the attempted dunk mercilessly thrown back into a most painful throbbing down the lower right side of his body. This time the pain wouldn't go away. In fact, he couldn't even stand up straight and no matter what position; sitting, standing, laying, barely walking, he was in indescribable pain. After tons of online research, four visits to medical professionals, and three weeks without any relief he finally found a world- renowned doctor who could read his MRI and determine what was actually wrong. Drum roll...he needed surgery. He had this mammoth bulging disc that was so large it ruptured and broke part of a bone that was sitting on his nerve. In short, basketball was getting on his nerves! Mine too *indiscriminate eye roll*. This piece had to be removed. They would have to cut him open again. Of course, while my husband is lamenting the end of his not-so-professional ball career where he was a legend in his own mind, all I could think about was how we were going to exhaust our insurmountable insurance deductible and take the hit of all the time he missed from work since he's on an hourly salary. I hate to be so nuts and bolts, but increasingly that has become my role in our duo. Anyone who knows me would sigh if they realized I am the practical one in this relationship, but it is so.
It's exhausting to write, read, or think about. Of course, he is the bulk wage earner of our home. I have a part time job to help out with the extras and to have some contact with the outside world, my hyper sensible idea of a girls' night out. But, that quickly became a have-to rather than a luxury. Suddenly my $9/hr and 11 hour work week became bread and butter. Talk about scary. Suddenly I have a stake in a magical fairy land where our current Congress passes a $15/hr minimum wage hike. We had some savings put away, but we were also in the middle of a repair / remodel phase on our home. Perfect timing. Unabashedly, we rely on his income to pay the bills, put food on the table, and gas up. But, the incidental things we like to do go back by the wayside. It's essentially back to couponing and staying on the free things to do with kids sites. Thank God they're out there. Thank God for lower gas prices. Thank God for store brand foods and cheap frozen veggies.
Notwithstanding all the work required after his surgery and weeks of bed rest, all of a sudden we had two parents at home all day every day. Albeit, one of them couldn't perform any major duties and the other had to perform just about all of them. The cooking, cleaning, washing, repairs, remodels, caring for a toddler, and teaching the older children would fall on me alone. Dad is not the bookwormy, studious type. In fact, he's the party in the house. When he's home it's talking and playing and fun with the kids...a contrast from the seriousness of chores and textbooks and sustained silent reading. Somehow teaching a lesson on double digit multiplication while Dad croons made up lyrics about how he loves his little girl at the top of his lungs is just not conducive to a learning environment. Thankfully my mom was in town during the surgery so she came and helped tremendously. Gratefully she's always in town at opportune moments. She cooked meals and cleaned, or supervised the boys while they cleaned behind themselves. She held a lot down while I attended to the patient during and after surgery, painted and primed and ordered the things we needed for the remodel. She even taught for me when we had to go to a follow up appointment. Such a relief to have her here. Still, there's just a lot involved in the whole matter so taking it one step at a time becomes an art, not a suggestion.
At the same time that I'm running around like some sort of Tasmanian, in the back of my mind I'm panicking because we're not quite sure if his recovery will be a strong one or if he'll be forever unable to viably earn an income. All repair and remodel work comes to a screeching halt, the stress of having to re-enter the workforce looming. When we took the chance and I walked away from my career as a passionate educator I knew it was a risk. I knew we were venturing out on faith and that I needed to be ready at any moment to give up my stay home mom / homeschooler career. But, that didn't help when the reality of it hit. Of course, homeschooling has its own set of drawbacks. There's this isolation homeschoolers face that is extremely difficult. We live super far away from extended family and the family who is here is not necessarily close. My husband is by nature a loner so we don't have a support system. Due to some serious research on spiritual abuse and our incompatible views on church attendance, we worship on our own, we don't go out and he's the epitome of professionalism at work - so, no friends there. Of course, when I left the workforce all my work friends sort of disappeared. I spend all my time and energy working on home, my kids, and my husband. With the exception of a few connections, we are on our own. And while this is hard for me (I usually have many friends and acquaintances with like interests to rely on for entertainment and support), I enjoy the stay home mom part. I like being there for every milestone my daughter achieves and seeing my sons grow into good decision makers. I like keeping things organized and knowing my home and family so well. I like making my own schedule and writing my own ticket to get things done. So, even with its inconveniences I still believe in the miracle of having at least one parent whose primary focus is making home hospitable for everyone.
Needless to say, this particular injury has been a redefining moment. I am cursing the days I complained about the work of it thinking Karma's out here again exacting her revenge. I'm regretting that I ever said anything negative about teaching my kids or being with my daughter all day, as the universe is now paying me back. Hear me loud and clear: I appreciate the opportunity completely.
Nonetheless, I am brooding over the prospect of being sort of on my own doing all this stuff. Caring for my children, my spouse, my home, and our livelihood while there's another adult in the home who literally can't is dismal to think about. I want to be sympathetic and compassionate for him because he's lost a hobby that largely defined him. But, God help me, I can't bring myself to be bothered to care. I'm terrified anticipating a future of hard labor. I'm sure single moms go through having to take care of themselves and their kids all the time. My mom raised us alone, but without the emotional complication of having a spouse or partner to support. I'm sure there are women who choose to take care of their significant others financially. Data have shown most recently that stay home dads have become more of the norm than ever in American culture. But, I didn't sign up for that. I always envisioned either a two earner income home or a male earner income home, not a two parent, sole female earner income home. Consequently, I didn't choose a mate who was particularly skilled in home management. So, the stress of the moment has been more than challenging for all of us.
In fact, I wonder, can I have it all? Not to ride Anne Marie Slaughter's coattails, but I think she's on to something. Can I really work a full time job somewhere, take care of my kids and my spouse, manage our home, and still be an alluring, doting, desiring friend to my spouse without wanting to ring his neck? So far the answer has been a resounding no. I don't have it all and emotionally projecting, I probably can't. I'm either too stressed, too angry, or too busy to care about the sexy part. And my organization skills leave much to be desired when considering I'd have to be a nanny, maid, chef, teacher, plumber, handyperson, and some other arbitrary person in the world to ensure all our needs are met. I just can't care about being a personal companion and lover. I have to wonder if male earners feel this way about their responsibilities. Probably not since they are not also pressured into keeping house and kids happy. They really only have to do a miniscule part of what makes family life what it is, according to tradition anyway. Whoever came up with the notion that women could have it all and why on earth would you want to? Ideally, when two people fall in love, get married, and have a baby the system should not be so subjective. They should determine each other's strengths and assets and assign life's tasks accordingly. This business about male and female roles is just really overwhelming and, quite frankly, confusing sometimes.
At this point my husband has gone back to work after a month off, but things are far from the way we are accustomed to them being. We have been forever transformed by this episode. This experience taught us that we need to build our savings with different goals in mind and make sure we do some smarter financial planning for both of us. While things are slowly getting back to "normal", everything's changed. I'm still plagued by the notion that I've made myself a sitting duck. Without earning and without having certain insurances in tact I've left myself and my kids in a precarious situation. Is that irresponsible? Yep, probably. If it's possible to do better we should. My husband is still in a state of shock that at his ripe age he probably won't make a semi-pro team and cart us off to Spain anytime soon. He's devastated and having a rough go of it. I'm all Martha and no Mary over here telling him to suck it up, focus, and get back to work. That's probably very wrong, but also terribly necessary under the circumstances. A big bonus to all this is he's realizing that just earning wages isn't enough. He has to play a bigger role in the homeschool process and in the home organization and maintenance aspect of our lives. So, that's a definite plus.
Homeschooling has its privileges and being there to guide and nurture our kids at every turn has been more than comforting. But, not being a wage earner has been thoroughly disarming as we weave through this tapestry of income fear. It's unfortunate. Can anyone say...Megamillions winnings? Short of that, I can't see how homeschool moms navigate these waters and stay sane the whole time. Bottom line, I feel the need to be an earner who enjoys what I do, has great benefits, and enough time at home to effectively teach and raise my kids and manage to maintain the pride of home ownership. I guess I kind of remotely sort of want it all as a necessity, but certainly under more amenable circumstances I wouldn't need it all, by any means. That's like, this behemoth feminist, fairy tale, submitted wife, Proverbs 31 hybrid monster that needs to be tamed, I suppose. In the meantime I'm divvying up all chores and tasks and handing them out to the able bodied unapologetically.
Fast forward to now, when we're primarily a one earner family, and this injury turned our world upside down. Well, I'll back up to the beginning. One especially fateful day my husband decided to stop on his way home from a meeting to play a game of b-ball. Only, if you know my husband you realize that this is not the typical hoops game for the average cardio workout, exercise for the stay active adult. My husband approaches basketball with the passion of Picasso at a canvas and the precision of a knife thrower. He plays as if he were a Shaq/Jordan/ Lebron hybrid and interestingly enough, everyone watching the show eggs this behavior on. He blocks and defends and weaves and hits almost every shot while his unlikely fans gather around to ooh and aah. The man challenges three and four people, complete strangers, at one time just for the practice. He "works out" by making it his own personal goal to beat his opponents by wide margins, even if there are several to his one. He would be a Youtube sensation if he were ever so enterprising as to have himself videoed and then put on display. He spends so much time on the court he's invented new defense moves and people actually imitate him and win. It's uncanny really. He loves the game dearly but his venture out on this day would prove to be a life-changing one. He hurt himself pretty bad, to the point that he could hardly walk. He hobbled around and took the weekend off work until he started feeling somewhat better.
At the same time, my daughter and I had a previously scheduled weekend getaway with my mom to attend a wedding in Washington, D.C. I felt bad leaving him here in that condition with the boys, but I thought he'd take a couple days off and recharge and all would be well once we returned. And sure enough, after a few days he got a slight spring in his step. You'd think he would take it easy at this point and stay off the court until he was 100%, but with the break he had taken looming over him he was determined to get out there and prove himself again. That would spell doom. He came down from the attempted dunk mercilessly thrown back into a most painful throbbing down the lower right side of his body. This time the pain wouldn't go away. In fact, he couldn't even stand up straight and no matter what position; sitting, standing, laying, barely walking, he was in indescribable pain. After tons of online research, four visits to medical professionals, and three weeks without any relief he finally found a world- renowned doctor who could read his MRI and determine what was actually wrong. Drum roll...he needed surgery. He had this mammoth bulging disc that was so large it ruptured and broke part of a bone that was sitting on his nerve. In short, basketball was getting on his nerves! Mine too *indiscriminate eye roll*. This piece had to be removed. They would have to cut him open again. Of course, while my husband is lamenting the end of his not-so-professional ball career where he was a legend in his own mind, all I could think about was how we were going to exhaust our insurmountable insurance deductible and take the hit of all the time he missed from work since he's on an hourly salary. I hate to be so nuts and bolts, but increasingly that has become my role in our duo. Anyone who knows me would sigh if they realized I am the practical one in this relationship, but it is so.
It's exhausting to write, read, or think about. Of course, he is the bulk wage earner of our home. I have a part time job to help out with the extras and to have some contact with the outside world, my hyper sensible idea of a girls' night out. But, that quickly became a have-to rather than a luxury. Suddenly my $9/hr and 11 hour work week became bread and butter. Talk about scary. Suddenly I have a stake in a magical fairy land where our current Congress passes a $15/hr minimum wage hike. We had some savings put away, but we were also in the middle of a repair / remodel phase on our home. Perfect timing. Unabashedly, we rely on his income to pay the bills, put food on the table, and gas up. But, the incidental things we like to do go back by the wayside. It's essentially back to couponing and staying on the free things to do with kids sites. Thank God they're out there. Thank God for lower gas prices. Thank God for store brand foods and cheap frozen veggies.
Notwithstanding all the work required after his surgery and weeks of bed rest, all of a sudden we had two parents at home all day every day. Albeit, one of them couldn't perform any major duties and the other had to perform just about all of them. The cooking, cleaning, washing, repairs, remodels, caring for a toddler, and teaching the older children would fall on me alone. Dad is not the bookwormy, studious type. In fact, he's the party in the house. When he's home it's talking and playing and fun with the kids...a contrast from the seriousness of chores and textbooks and sustained silent reading. Somehow teaching a lesson on double digit multiplication while Dad croons made up lyrics about how he loves his little girl at the top of his lungs is just not conducive to a learning environment. Thankfully my mom was in town during the surgery so she came and helped tremendously. Gratefully she's always in town at opportune moments. She cooked meals and cleaned, or supervised the boys while they cleaned behind themselves. She held a lot down while I attended to the patient during and after surgery, painted and primed and ordered the things we needed for the remodel. She even taught for me when we had to go to a follow up appointment. Such a relief to have her here. Still, there's just a lot involved in the whole matter so taking it one step at a time becomes an art, not a suggestion.
At the same time that I'm running around like some sort of Tasmanian, in the back of my mind I'm panicking because we're not quite sure if his recovery will be a strong one or if he'll be forever unable to viably earn an income. All repair and remodel work comes to a screeching halt, the stress of having to re-enter the workforce looming. When we took the chance and I walked away from my career as a passionate educator I knew it was a risk. I knew we were venturing out on faith and that I needed to be ready at any moment to give up my stay home mom / homeschooler career. But, that didn't help when the reality of it hit. Of course, homeschooling has its own set of drawbacks. There's this isolation homeschoolers face that is extremely difficult. We live super far away from extended family and the family who is here is not necessarily close. My husband is by nature a loner so we don't have a support system. Due to some serious research on spiritual abuse and our incompatible views on church attendance, we worship on our own, we don't go out and he's the epitome of professionalism at work - so, no friends there. Of course, when I left the workforce all my work friends sort of disappeared. I spend all my time and energy working on home, my kids, and my husband. With the exception of a few connections, we are on our own. And while this is hard for me (I usually have many friends and acquaintances with like interests to rely on for entertainment and support), I enjoy the stay home mom part. I like being there for every milestone my daughter achieves and seeing my sons grow into good decision makers. I like keeping things organized and knowing my home and family so well. I like making my own schedule and writing my own ticket to get things done. So, even with its inconveniences I still believe in the miracle of having at least one parent whose primary focus is making home hospitable for everyone.
Needless to say, this particular injury has been a redefining moment. I am cursing the days I complained about the work of it thinking Karma's out here again exacting her revenge. I'm regretting that I ever said anything negative about teaching my kids or being with my daughter all day, as the universe is now paying me back. Hear me loud and clear: I appreciate the opportunity completely.
Nonetheless, I am brooding over the prospect of being sort of on my own doing all this stuff. Caring for my children, my spouse, my home, and our livelihood while there's another adult in the home who literally can't is dismal to think about. I want to be sympathetic and compassionate for him because he's lost a hobby that largely defined him. But, God help me, I can't bring myself to be bothered to care. I'm terrified anticipating a future of hard labor. I'm sure single moms go through having to take care of themselves and their kids all the time. My mom raised us alone, but without the emotional complication of having a spouse or partner to support. I'm sure there are women who choose to take care of their significant others financially. Data have shown most recently that stay home dads have become more of the norm than ever in American culture. But, I didn't sign up for that. I always envisioned either a two earner income home or a male earner income home, not a two parent, sole female earner income home. Consequently, I didn't choose a mate who was particularly skilled in home management. So, the stress of the moment has been more than challenging for all of us.
In fact, I wonder, can I have it all? Not to ride Anne Marie Slaughter's coattails, but I think she's on to something. Can I really work a full time job somewhere, take care of my kids and my spouse, manage our home, and still be an alluring, doting, desiring friend to my spouse without wanting to ring his neck? So far the answer has been a resounding no. I don't have it all and emotionally projecting, I probably can't. I'm either too stressed, too angry, or too busy to care about the sexy part. And my organization skills leave much to be desired when considering I'd have to be a nanny, maid, chef, teacher, plumber, handyperson, and some other arbitrary person in the world to ensure all our needs are met. I just can't care about being a personal companion and lover. I have to wonder if male earners feel this way about their responsibilities. Probably not since they are not also pressured into keeping house and kids happy. They really only have to do a miniscule part of what makes family life what it is, according to tradition anyway. Whoever came up with the notion that women could have it all and why on earth would you want to? Ideally, when two people fall in love, get married, and have a baby the system should not be so subjective. They should determine each other's strengths and assets and assign life's tasks accordingly. This business about male and female roles is just really overwhelming and, quite frankly, confusing sometimes.
At this point my husband has gone back to work after a month off, but things are far from the way we are accustomed to them being. We have been forever transformed by this episode. This experience taught us that we need to build our savings with different goals in mind and make sure we do some smarter financial planning for both of us. While things are slowly getting back to "normal", everything's changed. I'm still plagued by the notion that I've made myself a sitting duck. Without earning and without having certain insurances in tact I've left myself and my kids in a precarious situation. Is that irresponsible? Yep, probably. If it's possible to do better we should. My husband is still in a state of shock that at his ripe age he probably won't make a semi-pro team and cart us off to Spain anytime soon. He's devastated and having a rough go of it. I'm all Martha and no Mary over here telling him to suck it up, focus, and get back to work. That's probably very wrong, but also terribly necessary under the circumstances. A big bonus to all this is he's realizing that just earning wages isn't enough. He has to play a bigger role in the homeschool process and in the home organization and maintenance aspect of our lives. So, that's a definite plus.
Homeschooling has its privileges and being there to guide and nurture our kids at every turn has been more than comforting. But, not being a wage earner has been thoroughly disarming as we weave through this tapestry of income fear. It's unfortunate. Can anyone say...Megamillions winnings? Short of that, I can't see how homeschool moms navigate these waters and stay sane the whole time. Bottom line, I feel the need to be an earner who enjoys what I do, has great benefits, and enough time at home to effectively teach and raise my kids and manage to maintain the pride of home ownership. I guess I kind of remotely sort of want it all as a necessity, but certainly under more amenable circumstances I wouldn't need it all, by any means. That's like, this behemoth feminist, fairy tale, submitted wife, Proverbs 31 hybrid monster that needs to be tamed, I suppose. In the meantime I'm divvying up all chores and tasks and handing them out to the able bodied unapologetically.
